sperlygirl

returning to work...

today i returned to work, my belly a flutter with mixed emotions (the kind that i assume most working mothers feel). i walked into my art room and was greeted by a roomful of colorful posters to welcome me back made by each of my students. my heart swelled, my eyes became teary, and i felt comforted and warm...and a bit more courageous about returning. motherhood is the most important job i have ever held - but it is not my only job. i work to create this lifestyle for us and i am so grateful that j is able to stay home to raise our boys (while still actively pursuing his creative passions and dreams - his creative drive has always been such a source of inspiration - more on that later). the relationship with kai he has fostered by staying home is truly immeasurable. so i return to work today feeling much gratitude.
 

along the seaside...

this is my most favorite time of the year, for many reasons. autumn always feels like it brings with her, the promise of a fresh start ~ change. maybe it's the crisp weather, the changing light, or the brilliant colors - but it's something, and i am crazy about it. i love being on the beach this time of year, strolling along the water's edge. the banks are nearly empty except for a few fishermen, a peppering of families, and some brave souls who are still attempting to sun bathe even though i pass by in a jacket and scarf! even the water seems full of promise to me. it's as if she holds the secrets of summer memories in her gentle waves as she glides upon the sands. the tiny seashells sparkle like jewels along the shoreline and i am content to simply stand there and gaze out onto her horizon.

two months...

where does the time go...friday, dear one, you turned 8 weeks. although the last month has been stressful with doctor visits and doing our best to heal your sore (and discover what it is exactly), it has also be infused with moments of peace. ryder, you are growing at leaps and bounds. you smile at the world around you, and when you do, it is pure magic. then again, any baby who waited for a full moon to come into this world must possess some true magical powers. and you have lucked out in the 'big brother' department because kai is crazy about you. you are already such an integral and important part of kai's world. when we drop him off at asilo (preschool) and place his "magic rock" in his pocket, he requires that each one of us, you included, ryder, give it a teeny kiss. he watches intently to be sure you are in on this with us! i just wanted to say thank you, little one, because you offer much wisdom from such a teeny babe, and i am grateful for that and grateful for you. ti amo!

"If the stars were mine
I'd give them all to you
I'd pluck them down right from the sky
and leave it only blue
I would never let the sun forget to shine upon your face
so when others would have rain clouds you'd have only sunny days
If the stars were mine
I'd tell you what I'd do
I'd put the stars right in a jar and give 'em all to you"

~If The Stars Were Mine, songwriter -  Melody Gardot~

**the tune, and many thanks to this lovely blog who introduced me to melody gardot, i am now completely hooked**

finding simple joys...

colors of an autumn leaf on the sidewalk

organic soy milk

grins from my teeny boy

"i love you the marvelest, mama" from kai

morning sunlight

a few stolen moments on my yoga mat

the scent of my oil paint sticks

this tune

uplifting surprise postcards in the mail (thx for organizing, pixie dust!!)

sleeping in with a teeny baby curled up in my arms

nurture...

finally finished! having started this painting just before ryder was born and just now completing it - don't know what i was thinking, assuming i would have time to paint more while home on maternity leave. but it's ok - this whole leave and the events within it have reminded me the value of spontaneity and taking it easy on yourself - both things i should take to heart more often. i connect so much with this little woman right now who is holding dear her creative dreams as she works to bring them life.

(the text on the painting reads...)

"cradled in her arms, she holds her dreams

lovingly rocking them into reality."

~ssperl 09

this moment...

years after my father passed, i had 'this vision', if you will, for i never experienced anything like it before or since. it was so powerful and so poignant and it lifted the heaviness that my heart had carried since he died. in my vision, soared a hawk - i have never forgotten the details of it nor the peace it brought me. the strange thing is, since then, real hawks swoop into my life at the most profound of times. yesterday, as we drove north to see a specialist for ryder, one flew next to our car before landing on a post and that same feeling washed over me again. i choose to believe that if we are open enough the universe provides these signs, should we choose to see. i choose to believe these are signs of comfort and hope.

i just want to say thank you for all the love, support, and prayers. each one has bridged the distance that one sometimes feels when living so far from home. we still do not know what this sore is, but hope to have some answers in the next few weeks. the good news is, ryder is otherwise very healthy and happy. he has just started smiling and when he does he has this wonderful crooked grin with great big dimples.

so amid this limbo, this unusual sore, a big brother who is fighting off yet another cold by running through the house with a superhero cape and a 'nose paper' (aka tissue), and the countdown until i return to work -- your messages of support, this baby's sweet cheeky grin, and the comfort of a winged creature are all making my heart feel full.

**to the bird on the post...this is for you**

one day at a time...

one day at a time...that's how we're facing life at the moment. knee deep in doctor visits to try and figure out what this deep, open sore that won't heal on baby ryder is - and with each new ointment or antibiotic, we are hoping for signs of healing. thankfully, the wound seems to be staying local and doesn't seem to cause him much pain despite how angry it looks, but the feeling of helplessness is difficult and stressful. with any illness where you are in limbo as to what is really happening and what will be the one action that begins the healing - it is the limbo which proves most challenging, and this is where we are.

and as much as you want your love as a parent to blanket and heal all of life's wounds, sometimes it simply cannot. and i am finding this to be the hardest part.

fits & spurts...

i am getting used to living amid 'fits and spurts' right now. a spurt of creativity here, a fit of sleep there, a spurt of yoga time here, a fit of downtime there...you get the picture?

initially, this makes me uncomfortable as i like to make time for things but i am starting to see the beauty of what can transpire in a 'fit or spurt' of time.

like yesterday, i really wanted to squeeze in at least a half hour on the yoga mat. but it didn't happen, so i focused on making my few sun salutations really meaningful and wouldn't you know...i wound up doing a balance pose that i have tried many times by never successfully held.

this little triumph slapped me back into reality that it isn't the amount of time we offer to a passion that matters - it's simply the quality of time.

and isn't this true of so much in life, when you think about it? 

**a tune to help you find your balance today**

collecting simple joys...

this is the view i am loving so much these days, it makes everything else seem more tolerable. i often feel that life is like the sea...sometimes calm, comforting, almost still - while other times it's choppy, busy, and constantly churning. in hopes of keeping myself sane right now, i started mentally listing things that bring me joy and that i am grateful for. i find in doing this, it lifts the fog of tension and brings a moment of stillness.

joy from today:

sunshine on a crisp day

the baby's cooing sounds followed by big smiles

kai's belly laughs as he plays before bedtime

getting lost momentarily in creating

bedtime hugs

a cappuccino at a bar

fresh bread from the neighborhood shop

**and what about you - i'd love to hear your simple joy you found today!**

peeking out into the world...

we finally stole a couple hours this weekend to get out and do something leisurely together as a family; a first, since ryder was born. it was nice to wander through an antique market and grab a long lunch - to just take a brief moment to enjoy a beautiful autumn day - before another busy week starts up again. we are still hoping to get everyone 100% healthy and soon. i am starting to believe there is a little black rain cloud hovering over our house! and my studio is calling...